From my earliest days I've had a calling to make people laugh. As a kid, I was the class clown. In high school, I provided the comic relief in the plays. In college, I joined an improv comedy troupe and wrote funny plays which I'd stage on campus to the delight of throngs of my fellow students.
The moment I graduated, I decided it was time to give up my amateur status and go pro. I took to the open road determined to carve out for myself a glamorous comedy career!
This at first involved several not-so-glamorous career stops, including waitress, costumed Santa's helper, cardboard box assembler on a factory line, legal secretary, paralegal, document coder, word processor, and at one particularly low moment - epically depressed car wash flier hander-outer.
But through it all I stayed true to my dream of bringing laughter to the masses for fun and profit. I lived in Portland, New Orleans, Santee, SC, New York City, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Chicago, and points between performing in dive clubs and renting out small theaters to perform shows.
I got raves for some performances and scathing reviews for others. One night I got booed off the stage at the Improv by an angry crowd of nearly 500. I've written for nationally broadcast comedy programs and was recently rejected for a job writing copy for infomercials.
I guess you could say it has been up and down.
Because, in the last few years, I have found MY TRUE COMIC CALLING!
I have identified MY PERFECT core audience!
I've located a group of people for whom my comedy NEVER FAILS!
And this group is --- children under the age of 2.
I once had a 30-something cousin who came in from a basketball game at a family reunion, in which his opponents were primarily children, and announced with confidence,
"I could rule if everyone in the NBA were under five feet tall!"
In a similar fashion, what I've come to realize is that to truly dominate in my comedy career, the answer is simple. I need to limit my audience exclusively to children two and under.
Because, I tell you, when it comes to chuckles, the routine I like to call, "Whose feet are these?" KILLS EVERY TIME with this set!
Looking for guffaws? My act "You have a belly button!" CANNOT FAIL with the little ones!
Need additional proof? Please see the following exhibit and delight at my act entitled "BEEP!/BOOP!"*
Which is why I've decided to open a chain of comedy clubs which will only admit infants and toddlers. We'll serve mushy food stuffs and milk in sippy cups (maybe a little juice for the hard-core set). I'll slay 'em in the aisles nightly with my guaranteed comedy stylings, and the best part? Last show at 6pm, I'm in bed by 8:30!
Folks, it may have taken me years of trial and error, but I now know where my career's destiny lies: shouting the phrase, "Who's a little monkey?" repeatedly to the delight of my chosen audience.
Please, don't forget to tip your waitress.
* Please note, hilarity only guaranteed if you are currently under 15-months of age.