Thursday, January 26, 2012

Am I in Labor?



The answer to today's titular question seems to be a firm,


"No, but you might want to seriously consider cutting back on your consumption of leftover Halloween Laffy Taffy. There's a reason that this is the only candy left in the candy bags. Because it is not really even a candy! It is some sort of epoxy that has been dyed neon yellow and then flavored 'Banana-esque'. The reason that your stomach begins cramping immediately after consuming said substance has nothing to do with the baby preparing to be expelled from your netherregions."




I should have probably let you know in advance that this blog post will be not so much a blog post but rather a series of screeds against everything that is currently wrong with my existence. 


The number one thing that is wrong with my existence is, of course, that I am currently 96 MONTHS PREGNANT.



Now, you may recall that a mere two weeks ago I claimed that I was entirely content to remain pregnant until sometime in mid-May. But as my due date swiftly approaches, I have come to realize that those were merely the insane ramblings of a crazy lady.

Because, as I glide into my 39th week of gestation, I have begun to manifest a multitude of symptoms that have caused me to remember that the entire point of the last stage of pregnancy is to make one desire to expel one's baby IMMEDIATELY and AT ANY COST.

These symptoms, in my case, include but are not limited to
  • an insane desire to ingest Crunch 'N' Munch at a rate so startling that it will soon necessitate me giving birth to a 23 pound infant in order to justify my recent weight gain;
  • a white-hot perma-rage that is putting me in constant danger of arrest for assaulting fellow drivers and/or grocery shoppers. WHY ARE ALL HUMAN PEOPLE SO ANNOYING??????
  • a lack of patience at home which manifests primarily as fantasies of going into labor merely as an excuse to get away from my existing children for a night or so;
  • a bladder so squished by foetal weight that I find myself having to go to the bathroom again before having exited the bathroom after peeing;
  • an inability to exit the seated position without the help of at least two other humans.



So it is that I've had a change of heart. I am ready for Doodle the Third to exit the premises ASAP. 


I am currently hoping that my tried and true method of staring at the wall angrily in order to induce labor will finally prove successful with this pregnancy! 


I used it in both my previous pregnancies with varied results:


DOODLE #1: Born 12 days after due date.
DOODLE #2: Born 10 days after due date.


But this time I'm staring angrily really, really hard.


I'll let you know how it goes....

4 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. epoxy is an excellent description of that stuff. i think you have probably glued the baby inside you.

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    1. I am SO THERE. I am 35 weeks tomorrow and am
      A. Ready to kill.
      B. Did actually think that if I went into labor it would be more restful than chasing my 22 month old while eleventy months pregnant.
      C. Am ignoring all fruits and vegetables for froots. As in Froot Loops and ice pops.
      D. Starting drinking red raspberry leaf tea and SOMEHOW you know whating in a desperate hope to get things moving, since my cervix is NOTORIOUS for never EVER cooperating. You could put the One Ring up there and it would be safe forever. I have a scheduled c-section for March 5th because both my ob and I know that Fort Knox does not open. I am holding out a tiny bit of hope, but it is very unlikely that anything will budge this baby. We went for an hour long walk yesterday. I scrubbed the floors today. Nothing. I know it is too early for labor, but I am already big enough to be worried someone will harpoon me if I get too close to the ocean.

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    2. Wow, Celia - I feel for you. At least you have a firm end date!

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