Thursday, January 26, 2012

Am I in Labor?

The answer to today's titular question seems to be a firm,

"No, but you might want to seriously consider cutting back on your consumption of leftover Halloween Laffy Taffy. There's a reason that this is the only candy left in the candy bags. Because it is not really even a candy! It is some sort of epoxy that has been dyed neon yellow and then flavored 'Banana-esque'. The reason that your stomach begins cramping immediately after consuming said substance has nothing to do with the baby preparing to be expelled from your netherregions."

I should have probably let you know in advance that this blog post will be not so much a blog post but rather a series of screeds against everything that is currently wrong with my existence. 

The number one thing that is wrong with my existence is, of course, that I am currently 96 MONTHS PREGNANT.

Now, you may recall that a mere two weeks ago I claimed that I was entirely content to remain pregnant until sometime in mid-May. But as my due date swiftly approaches, I have come to realize that those were merely the insane ramblings of a crazy lady.

Because, as I glide into my 39th week of gestation, I have begun to manifest a multitude of symptoms that have caused me to remember that the entire point of the last stage of pregnancy is to make one desire to expel one's baby IMMEDIATELY and AT ANY COST.

These symptoms, in my case, include but are not limited to
  • an insane desire to ingest Crunch 'N' Munch at a rate so startling that it will soon necessitate me giving birth to a 23 pound infant in order to justify my recent weight gain;
  • a white-hot perma-rage that is putting me in constant danger of arrest for assaulting fellow drivers and/or grocery shoppers. WHY ARE ALL HUMAN PEOPLE SO ANNOYING??????
  • a lack of patience at home which manifests primarily as fantasies of going into labor merely as an excuse to get away from my existing children for a night or so;
  • a bladder so squished by foetal weight that I find myself having to go to the bathroom again before having exited the bathroom after peeing;
  • an inability to exit the seated position without the help of at least two other humans.

So it is that I've had a change of heart. I am ready for Doodle the Third to exit the premises ASAP. 

I am currently hoping that my tried and true method of staring at the wall angrily in order to induce labor will finally prove successful with this pregnancy! 

I used it in both my previous pregnancies with varied results:

DOODLE #1: Born 12 days after due date.
DOODLE #2: Born 10 days after due date.

But this time I'm staring angrily really, really hard.

I'll let you know how it goes....