Thursday, August 15, 2013

Anatomy of Two Fights





WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN I FIGHT WITH MY 
HUSBAND:

Husband walks in door.


DAVID: Hi sweetheart! How was your day?

ME:  MY DAY??? MY DAY WAS NOT VERY GOOD!!!

DAVID: Uh-Oh.

ME: Uh-Oh? What is that supposed to mean? 

DAVID: I'm trying to express my concern. Because I can tell you are upset.

ME: I AM UPSET!

DAVID: (slightly hopeful) At who?

ME: AT YOU!!!!

DAVID: Uh-oh. 

[PAUSE]


DAVID: I'm sorry, I didn't mean uh-oh. I meant please go ahead.

ME: There was a bag of chocolate chip cookies above the fridge. 

DAVID: Uh-oh.

ME: Did you eat them all last night after I fell asleep?

DAVID: Yes. Yes I did.


ME: DAVID!!! The kids wouldn't leave the playground and so I had to bribe them by promising them cookies! Then on the way home there was bad traffic so I kept saying, "Just a few more minutes until cookies....just a few more minutes until cookies," and then we got all the way here and all I had to offer them was AN EMPTY COOKIE BAG!

DAVID: Uh-oh.

ME: I mean I promised the kids cookies all the way home if they would just stop screaming, and then we finally got home THERE WERE NO COOKIES!!!

DAVID: Wow, I get that and I am really, really sorry.

ME: And look! Here! At the list where we add things when we run out of them! You didn't even add "Cookies"!

DAVID: I'm very sorry.

ME: I'm not kidding! The kids were crying for like forty-five minutes!

DAVID: I'm really, really sorry.


ME: That doesn't help!

DAVID: But I thought you told me last time we were fighting that if I just apologized sincerely it would make everything better.

ME: This is a totally different situation!!

DAVID: Oh. Would it help if I went to the store and got more cookies?

ME: This is about so much more than cookies! Don't you understand?

DAVID: Yes?


ME: Don't say yes if you don't really understand.


DAVID: Wow. I have no idea what to say right now.


[FRUSTRATED DIALOGUE CONTINUES]


[CUT TO ONE HOUR LATER]

ME: Listen, I know you didn't do it on purpose, but please just don't eat things that I've put aside for the kids, OK?

DAVID: I won't. I promise.

ME: And when you use the last of something please add it to the list.

ME: I will. I promise.

[CUT TO ONE HOUR LATER]

ME: It's just that I told the kids they were going to get cookies and then they were so upset when they were gone!

DAVID: Uh-huh. No, I get it.

ME: But -- it's just that I don't get the sense that this is as important to you as it is to me.

DAVID: No, no. It is. It is. Let's talk about it for another hour.

ME: Are you being sarcastic?

DAVID: Uh-oh.

[CUT TO THREE HOURS LATER]

ME: (crying) It just make me feel like you just don't really get what I go through with the kids! It's so hard, you know? I just give and give and I feel like no one respects that, you know? It's like your life hasn't changed at all and my life is like, 'Are there cookies for the kids?' 'Who needs a dentist appointment?' Like this endless list of responsibilities that no one really gets, you know....

[SOB-FILLED MONOLOGUE OF DESPAIR CONTINUES UNTIL I EVENTUALLY PASS OUT AND FALL ASLEEP]

*end of fight*

WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN MY HUSBAND FIGHTS WITH ME:

DAVID: Did you forget to move the car again and get a $95 dollar parking ticket that we can ill-afford this week?


ME: Yes. I did. I'm sorry. Would you like a brownie?


DAVID: Oh my God, that would be awesome.



*end of fight*

4 comments:

  1. Ohhhh, good stuff. I emailed this to my husband. "Do you understand?"--->"Yes?" HA!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Gogle "half life of the autonomic nervous system"

    ReplyDelete