Thursday, November 21, 2013

The Five Stages of the Stomach Flu

Once again the plague has come to my door. My family has been visited by the stomach flu and only two have come out unscathed. (And no, I was not one of the spared. I was scathed. DEFINITELY scathed.) 

So today I come here to simply present



There is no way I can have the stomach flu. I mean sure the baby was puking pretty bad yesterday and I mean, I guess some of it may have gotten in my eyes. And maybe my mouth. BUT! This vague feeling of nauseousness that I'm currently experiencing? I'm sure it can't be the stomach flu. I mean -- for the love of all that's Holy I JUST HAD the stomach flu a month ago. A loving, all-seeing higher power certainly wouldn't let me get the stomach flu twice in two months, right? RIGHT?????


Are you #$*&(ing kidding me???? Am I to be SPARED NOTHING!??! I cannot #@$ing believe this! F#@ YOU UNIVERSE!!! I shake my fist at the skies in a rage right up until the point where I begin to lose control of my limbs!!!!!


Listen -- the fever I can handle. I'll deal with some chills. I'll even accept a really bad case of the runs. I mean really bad, OK?? But please, please, please, please NO VOMITING!!!


It's coming for me. It's coming and there's gonna be vomit and there's nothing I can do to stop it. All that's left is to wallow in debilitating hopelessness and curse the fact that we only have one bathroom in the house. And now...the puking...


I know now that my body is intent on the sole purpose of squeezing all of the contents of my innards, you know, outwards by whatever means necessary. I'm dying. Oh, no I'm dying. I'm dying. 

(cut to two hours later) 

Come for me sweet relief of death!! I'm ready to go to the light! 

Is that you Grandma???