Thursday, May 1, 2014

If I Lived Like My Three-Year-Old

  • Instead of making polite conversation with people I didn't feel like talking to, I would simply point at them before shouting "I AM SHY OF YOU!" Then I would cover my face with both of my hands until they went away.

  • I would consider a handful of goldfish crackers and an ice cream cone a sensible dinner.

  • When big decisions were needed I would ask myself, "How would Spiderman handle this?"

  • I would not be scared of spiders or snakes but would be terrified by the appearance of a small spear of broccoli on my dinner plate. 

  • I'd be capable of having a conversation with my sibling for 23 minutes consisting solely of the words "DID NOT" and "DID TOO."

  • If I found a Sharpie, the thought would occur to me, "I should probably draw all over my face with this."

  • A terrible day could change into the BEST. DAY. EVER! just like that if I saw a firetruck.

  • I wouldn't need a gym membership because I would run at every opportunity, preferably while shouting loudly, "Look at me everyone! I'm running!!!"

  • I would never struggle to make friends because whenever I saw someone who seemed interesting, I would only have to run up to them, grab them by the hand, and announce, "WE'RE FRIENDS NOW!"

  • I would rarely have a life crisis that could not be solved through judicious use of tickling.

  • When I was upset I would not smile and pretend that I was OK. Instead I would hurl myself to the floor and shriek and roll around until all around me registered my displeasure.

  • Instead of struggling with self-confidence I would consider myself to be the GREATEST at every activity I attempted -- the FASTEST runner, the FUNNIEST face maker, and the BEST IN THE WORLD at rolling around on the grass in a strange way.

  • I would not worry that my stomach wasn't flat enough. I would celebrate my midsection's roundness by rubbing it regularly and showing it off to friends and neighbors whether they had requested to see it or not.

  • My "special place" would be the toy aisle at Target.

  • I would take falling down a staircase directly onto my face in stride, but I would consider not getting to watch "Elliot Kid" for the 9th time in a day a major tragedy.

  • An immense amount of my personal energy would be devoted to the single thought, "GET. SOME. CANDY."

  • If someone had something I wanted I would declare "I WANT TO SHARE!" and then grab their thing before running away as quickly as possible. 

  • Every night at bedtime I would sit up in bed and announce, "My favorite part of today was EVERY PART OF TODAY!" Then I would jump on my bed like a wild monkey before falling into 10 hours of deep and restful sleep. 

  • Then I would wake up the next day and start it all over again.

If I lived like my three year old…