This Halloween I saw some truly frightening monsters out and about in their ghoulish hunt for candy. There were goblins; there were vampires; there were witches and mummies galore.
But none of them could hold a candle to the terrifying creature that lives at my house - - - THE 2-YEAR-OLD SNOOD!
*MUSIC CUE: DUN-DAH*
*INSERT: LIGHTING CRASH, HIGH PITCHED SCREAM*
Snoodie's spook-tacular rise has reached new heights recently, most markedly after I decided to utter the following phrase out loud to my husband:
"You know how you always hear about the terrible twos? I just feel like maybe Snoodie got a lot of that out of his system when he was one. I'm thinking the twos might not be so terrible after all."
Yeah, that was dumb. Because ever since those words escaped my lips the Snood has been BRINGING THE PAIN!
Let me provide, for reference, a few sample interactions:
EXAMPLE THE FIRST:
MOMMY: Hey Snoodie! Let's go to the playground! What do you say?
SNOODIE: Whaaaaat? NOOOOOOOOOO! I will NEVER bow to your nefarious playground-going scheme, woman! Can't you see that I am currently occupied in gnawing on this old shoe for my personal merriment? To suggest that I would give all this up for a trip to the playground is nothing short of absurd!!! How DARE you???
(The above conveyed primarily by high-volume wailing and pitched floor rolling)
EXAMPLE THE SECOND:
MOMMY: Snoodle bear. I made you some dinner! Come on up and have a seat.
SNOODIE: Whaaaaat? NOOOOOO! You insult me on the deepest level with your offer of chicken fingers, knowing as you do that the only food I will deign to ingest is YOGURT! How DARE you???
(The above conveyed primarily through food tossing and back arching)
EXAMPLE THE THIRD (a Holiday-themed favorite):
MOMMY: Snoodie, it is time for Trick or Treating! Now we ring this lady's bell and say 'Trick or Treat!'
*INSERT: Kindly unsuspecting woman opening door*
UNSUSPECTING KINDLY WOMAN: Oh! Aren't you so cute! Here is some candy! ....Uh-oh!
MOMMY: Snoodie NO! We just take candy and leave! We don't run into strangers' houses! Snoodie come back! Snoodie get out of the nice lady's bathtub! We really don't belong in here...
SNOODIE: Whaaaaat? NOOOOOOO! Can't you see that having my own groovy Snoodie party in this strange lady's bathtub is the fulfillment of my ONLY TRUE DREAM IN LIFE??!! NOOOO!! Stop attempting to extract me from this location of wonderfulness! I SAID NOOOOOOOO! How DARE you???
(The above conveyed primarily through ear shattering screams and the occasional bout of biting)
Yeah, so that's what's going on at our house. Oh, and I haven't even touched on the horror that is nap time. Suffice it to say that when it comes to trashing rooms, Charlie Sheen's got nothing on my kid.
It's gotten to the point where I have given up reading parenting books and/or searching the web for advice on handling "the difficult toddler" and am now devoting myself solely to seeking out a skilled exorcist.
Please do let me know in the comments section if you've had a good experience with one, won't you?