Monday, November 22, 2010

The War at Home

There have been some trying times of late for my husband and I....

First, of course, there was the series of unfortunate sporting matchups throughout the fall and all the bitter recriminations that ensued.

Then, just when it seemed we'd survived the football-themed fire that is intra-divisional play, there arrived an all-new marital mishap I like to call "Awake Baby Chicken".

"Awake Baby Chicken" is a fun game you too can play with your spouse!

All you need to get started is a jet-lagged baby who regularly wakes up for the day at 4am. The object of the game is quite simple: pretend you are asleep and therefore deaf to said baby's cries for longer than your partner.

Can you force your partner to exit the bed first, thus allowing you to fall back into blissful slumber? CONGRATULATIONS! You are the winner of "Awake Baby Chicken"!

And, for the record, I understand that repeatedly ignoring my lovely baby so that my husband will be stuck with him in the middle of the night is likely NOT the path to lasting marital bliss.

But what can I say? Warm in my bed at 3a.m., such logic rarely applies.

But just when things seemed darkest for my husband and I...

...things got significantly darker.

Because David and I decided to face down the happy marriage torpedo that is "Honey, Let's Clean Out the Store Room!"

The problem with us cleaning out the store room together stems from the fact that David and I are, in fact, the WORLD'S LEADING EXPERTS on proper store room cleaning-outing. Yet tragically, our equally perfect methods of organization are somehow diametrically opposed.

Let me provide you with some sample dialogue from the event:


Husband enters with giant TV.

Husband: I'm just going to put this down.
Wife: No! That's not where that goes!
Husband: OK, well it weighs about 900 pounds so I'm just going to put it down for a second.

Despite his burgeoning hernia, husband gets dreamy look in his face as he imagines a life alone after running off to Rio.


Wife: What are you doing?
Husband: I'm moving all the things you put over here to put all the things I think should go here over here.

Smoke begins emitting from wife's head.

Wife: Why are you doing that?
Husband: Because it will be so much better my way!

Wife surreptitiously pouring antifreeze into husband's cool, refreshing glass of Gatorade.


I tell ya, folks, the marital hits just keep on comin'!

But before you start PayPal-ing me funds for the divorce lawyer, there is some light on the distant horizon. This morning we leave for three days of Thanksgiving merriment in Sacramento.

Is my brother-in-law a chef who will be preparing all the Thanksgiving food himself?


Are my children staying with my in-laws while my husband and I stay alone in an undisclosed location?


Does there remain a sliver of hope that my husband and I can cease our elaborate schemes to off each other in the night?